A lot of relationships end badly. There’s normally yelling, crying, people getting mad at each other, not being friends anymore, and sometimes it’s not even anybody’s fault! What are the Church’s teachings on this? Should I feel guilty when this stuff happens? Is any of it sinful? (June '02)
These questions are important for young people to understand. I have led retreats and workshops where this topic is treated over the course of many hours. I will do my best to offer a concise response here. Please note that for as many people as you ask these questions, you may likely get that many different responses.
I am assuming that when the term “relationship” is used here that it means boyfriend/ girlfriend. The ideal relationship for us to pursue is that of friendship and Christian love of our neighbor. It is in this context that we best learn through experience about one another. We discover the moral character and faith-based life, or lack of it, in the people we have been blessed to meet. Many of the problems mentioned above occur when we try to have exclusive relationships with people of the opposite sex. We tend to isolate ourselves from others so that we may build a special relationship. We forget that we live in community with others, be they family, friends, co-workers, church family, etc. We get into the twisted mindset that says, “All I need is him/her to make my life perfect!” That usually means pushing out or ignoring family and friends, not to mention God.
Friendship and Christ-like love should be at the heart of all relationships. This especially works well within group settings. It is within this setting that we are able to see people for who they truly are. We see how they interact with us and with others. When we are in a one-on-one relationship, we tend to create an artificial environment. In a larger setting of people, we experience more highs and lows and are presented with opportunities to minister to our neighbors. When we treat one another in such a fashion, the relationships don’t end, they simply mature to different levels. Even in a group setting, we are able to experience one-on-one relationships without the strains of exclusive “dating.”
To say that when a relationship ends, that sometimes it is nobody’s fault is not accurate. It is everyone’s fault. Jealousy, pride, possessiveness, lust, and other unloving acts and attitudes destroy relationships. We must take personal responsibility for our behavior, as well as the relationships that we enter. We are responsible for starting them and also have an obligation to maintain them in a healthy manner. And if we aren’t the person who seems to be acting badly, did we try to push the relationship further than the other person wanted it to go? Does that other person feel boxed in a corner? Have we lied to ourselves about what it really was all along?
You ask if it is sinful when these things happen in relationships. We are called to love our neighbor as ourselves. When we are angered at someone and sever a friendship, it is sinful. Those actions or reactions are not acts of love. We ought to pray for ourselves, and for others and our relationships with them. Jesus reminds us how it is that we are supposed to love. “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.” (John 15:12-13) If we have not loved in this way, then we need forgiveness because we have sinned.
The key is to be careful in how we treat our relationships with others. If we create exclusive relationships, isolating ourselves as a pair or couple from others, we are almost always setting ourselves up for failure. Almost every boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship we create is usually going to end in something other than marriage, which is that lifelong commitment to one another in a relationship with Christ. A book that helps understand all of this is I Kissed Dating Good-bye, by Joshua Harris. I highly recommend this book to all young people. It might help you avoid the pitfalls of the dating practices in the American culture that make teen-age lives so unnecessarily hard.
