How far is too far in terms of the physical aspects of a relationship? (Feb. '01)
He Said by Micah Shiflet
How far is too far? This and many other ethical questions have plagued the modern teenage mind for years, at least since puberty anyway. What is innocent, what is a sin, especially in regard to physical relationships? Are the laws set in such matters? Where does one look for answers? I knew this wasn’t going to be easy.
My first response to the question, as your typical teenage boy, is that I have no idea. I have no personal experience, so I asked my brother. He said, "Micah, that's up to the individual.” So I decided to think it out for myself. The way I see it, two people who like each other should be able to express their care in a comfortable, yet wholesome, manner. Like holding hands, and going on fun dates with friends. But then I thought, what about years from now? What happens when I fall in love?
That's when I decided to bother my brother again. This time his answer was slightly better. He said, "Micah, you should only engage in the physical acts that the commitment of your relationship warrants. For example, judge for your self to an extent... ask yourself, should I kiss her? Is this ok with me? With her? But you also have to remember that sex is only warranted by the concrete bonds of marriage. Understand?" Believe it or not, I agreed. To me, up to a certain point, the decision is left to the individual. Sex, however, should be saved until marriage.
This is not a simple issue for teenagers to deal with. The best advice I can offer is to listen to your heart, pray, and follow the laws of the Bible and Holy Gospel. The answers will come in time.
She Said by Jane S.
I received this assignment on Sunday, and by Monday morning I already had the answer to this question. I was bombarded by stories of weekend events; parties people had gone to, guys they had been with. Teenagers need to draw the line. Draw a line of morality. This line needs to be distinct, not at all blurred. If your line is a bit "fuzzy," you may find yourself in situations where a clear line of right and wrong would be very useful in your decision-making. Not only does your personal line need to be perfectly clear, but there has to be a common thread of morality that is woven throughout your life.
Where to draw the line marking your moral borders? That is a question you have to ask yourself, but there are definitely things that are "too far". Some teenagers today have indeed drawn "the line," but not nearly as far away from sex as they should. Many consider themselves far too moral to have sex, but will do anything and everything leading up to it. I have heard these phrases uttered entirely too often: "Well, it's just something that couples do," or "It's not the real thing..." I am very aware that certain sexual practices have gained widespread acceptance among the youth of our nation, but do you believe that as long as you personally don't consider it "real sex," that it is acceptable? It is called sex for a reason; treat it as you would "the real thing." Doing these things is without a doubt, too far.
You yourself need to understand what is right and wrong. “Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21) I have often heard the excuse that, "It just happened…" Of course, if you ignore the issue, you leave the door wide open for things to happen. You cannot just sit back and let things occur. You need to draw your line, and make it perfectly clear to yourself and others. That is the only way to ensure that you will make moral decisions.
Many people have double standards when it comes to issues of morality. The attitude of, "I go to Church, I do this on Sunday...I go out with my friends, I do this on Friday." They don't seem to think that the two are related. When you are with your friends who share the same moral values, it is very easy to stick to your beliefs, but when you are in other social situations, that is the true test. It is those Friday night parties, those tempting situations, where you need to draw the line.
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor.” (1 Thessalonians 4: 3-4)
Life Out There (Sex)
by Nadia Lawand (Jan. ’02)
“Let’s talk about sex baby; let’s talk about you and me; let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let’s talk about sex.” Do these song lyrics sound familiar? Well, it makes it a little easier to dive into a very difficult topic to discuss. The subject of sex, for many of us, is a hard one to talk about, but is frequently thought about.
Love, sex, and dating are all related and relevant to teens. In the eyes of the Church, love was meant to come first. God created us out of love, and asks that we love one another, and love in order to create children. Sex is the reuniting of a male and female into one flesh. Sex is for marriage and is sacred. It is also meant for the creation of children.
Dating can be a good thing, depending on how we look at it. Dating could be viewed as something society constructed to allow people to become involved romantically without the commitment of marriage. However, when there is a clear direction and purpose, it can work. It’s when there is no direction we usually lead people on, play with their hearts, and cause sexual temptation. If we aren’t ready to have a set purpose and commitment, what is the point in getting into a romantic relationship? At a young age, it is usually to satisfy sinful desires, which is hurtful and self-centered.
Premarital sex is not allowed according to the Ten Commandments. Sex is a physical union between two people who have vowed themselves to one another before God and are willing to give up themselves for the other person. On the other hand, premarital sex is a sin because a full commitment has not been made in Church before God. The difference is that the union of premarital sex is only physical and temporary while the union of marriage is physical, spiritual, and most of all, eternal.
In the generation we live in, it is difficult to dismiss the influence of sexual ideas around us. We see how the media glorify sex, and send messages of selfindulgence and self-gratification with sex. A good example of this prominent influence is the pop icon Britney Spears. She has a huge influence and dominance over worldwide media, which directly give her the power to influence people. We can see with her recent releases that she sells sex. Our bodies are the temple of God, and the way we treat our bodies should reflect the way we treat the temple of God.
We all struggle with temptation and try to stay pure but sometimes we do make mistakes. The important thing to realize is that it isn’t too late. You can ask for forgiveness and go from there. Change the way you think: place God first before anything and He will guide and give you the strength to stay pure. Our purity is a gift that we must open only when it is time.
I can understand the struggles of dating, sex, and love from experience. It’s difficult to get away from them, but the one thing that keeps me on track is trusting God. As private as this may be, I also decided to give up dating. One of the reasons for this: I didn’t know where I was going with relationships at this point in my life. The second was two books that I’m sure many of you have read. They are called I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and Boy Meets Girl, both by Joshua Harris. These books came at the right time in my life and helped me on my journey to purity. Just as Joshua Harris says; “The Right thing at the wrong time is the Wrong thing.”
What are the pressures that society puts on teenagers to have sex, and how is the Church a place of refuge? (Dec. ’02)
He Said by JP Cervo
Sex is in every corner of a teenager’s life. Your top three favorite television shows probably have a few parts with sex involved. Most movies with a rating over PG are filled with sexual scenes. Besides the entertainment side of your life, your friends, fellow students, and your siblings are all talking about sex, all the time. I know that a typical conversation for most of my guy friends at school consists of comments about the goodlooking girl that just walked by. My younger brother is now talking about girls of the opposite sex like he is one of my friends at school. (He’s not quite at the level of talking about more than looking at the girls, and I hope it stay that way). It’s not just the guys talking about it either — girls do as well. I think that the guys probably look at the girls and just want to “hook-up” with them more than the girls want to “hook-up” with them. I’m not saying that the girls don’t want that either, some probably do more than the guys. The older teenagers are more into sexual activities than the younger ones. All of us though, from the ages of 12 to 19 are young adults and we want to experiment and know what “it” is. We have all heard from somebody older than us, how great “it” is. We get excited and can’t wait until we can have sex.
A close friend of mine at school, whom I look to for advice on things, had sex the summer before going into the ninth grade. Since then she has broken up with her boyfriend, but still feels love for him even though he hasn’t treated her kindly in the past. I believe that once you have sex with somebody at this age, it ties you to an invisible unhealthy relationship which none of us needs. Teens, especially younger teens, don’t need to get themselves involved with such relationships which hurt them mentally. Even at church functions, such as conferences and regional meetings, sex is on many teenagers’ minds. There isn’t a place people can truly escape from it all! People need to remember that there is a time for sex, which is later in our lives once we are married. And there is a place, which certainly is not at a church function.
I think that one of the main things that we Orthodox teens have as a help is the teaching of the Church. The Church basically tells us to simply not have sex until we are married. I think that a lot of Orthodox teens think about this anytime we are engaging in physical contact with the opposite sex. I know it goes through my mind all the time, and I also know that I have made the choice to save my virginity as an ultimate gift for my wife (assuming I do get married). We have all been told by our parents, our priests, our advisors, and our bishops not to have sex. Now our parents tell us that, and you and I both know that, but when a priest speaks about the importance of abstinence, we really think about it. And when a bishop gives us a sermon about it, we really have to examine our thinking on the subject and make sure that we’re making the best decision for ourselves, according to our faith. Bishop DEMETRI at the fall delegates meeting talked to us about the error of engaging in sexual intercourse at our age and before marriage. I know that I definitely took that into thought and consideration, especially since I was confronted with a situation involving sexual issues. If we all really concentrate on the teachings of the Church and listen to our spiritual fathers, we won’t have to worry as much about breaking this commandment.
She Said by Amanda Morgan
Sex is inescapable in today’s society. Take a look around you — somehow it is printed, played, or shown in some fashion, giving off the impression that everyone is “doing it.” Not only that, but it is portrayed as an insignificant, lighthearted topic. It is no longer a personal issue just between husband and wife. Sex is so pervasive that it comes up in typical everyday life, no matter where you turn. Sexuality is promoted in restaurants like Hooters, Herbal Essences commercials, provocative music, movies, and more. Whatever happened to the idea that physical relations are a private, intimate union that only husband and wife share? Teenagers especially are bombarded with pressures to fit a model of sexuality based on the people with whom they associate. They are pressured by their peers in their own little subculture, and also by teenage society as a whole.
Examples of subcultures are the popular crowd, jocks, and nerds (and these by no means are all of them). In each of these, sexuality is influenced based on the activities and interests of the members of the group. The pressure created in these stereotypes is part of what pushes teenagers to have sex. The fear of what would happen if they didn’t conform and the potential repercussions, such as loss of friends and identity, can be especially overwhelming. Will people think you’re different? Will no one like you? Where will you fit in?
As Orthodox Christians, we have another culture to draw on and to be influenced by — a counterculture, in fact, that is a place of refuge. I know that every person in my group of Orthodox friends is someone I can relate to, as we all have the same core beliefs and faith in the Truth. I am surrounded by friends who don’t pressure me, who accept me as an individual, and share a common belief in the Church and its teachings. This gives me the freedom to stand up against sinful pressures.
The main thing is that you and I have free will from God. No matter what influences or people surround us, Christian or non-Christian, we know what’s right. God will give us the strength to stay pure, to wait for the perfect gift of the sexual union between a husband and wife, if marriage is for us. We are free to go along with the crowd, or we can use our freedom to make the choice we won’t regret.